Looking back on 2015 I realized that I always have super big aspirations at the beginning of the year and by the end of it I never accomplished any of them and just disappointing myself. 2015 was not the best year for me. It was not because of training or teaching or even my boyfriend, who sometimes pisses me off because he’s always right. It was not the best year for me because I suffered from terrible depression.
When it comes down to it I didn’t like myself very much. I didn’t like the fact that I’m sensitive, a perfectionist, and I don’t like my body. I have never really forgiven myself for not competing anymore, even though I don’t particularly want to. All of this has affected not only my mental state but also my relationship with training. I would try to get better in BJJ or Kali or try getting leaner and then when it wouldn’t happen right away I would just get down on myself and feel worse.
Then I realized something when I was trying to help out one of the kids in my class. I was speaking the words to him that I needed to hear myself. “Stop being so hard on yourself. “ I almost cried because that was exactly what I needed to hear. But I knew if I wanted to change things I would need help. So I started seeing my first therapist since college. I used to be embarrassed by the fact that I need help, now I’m not. I know now that if you want to make changes outward whether it be training, competing, lifestyle, or work. You first have to make changes inward. Now I’m not an expert but I’m starting to figure some things out for myself. And I’m not saying you have to see a therapist. There are a ton of resources out there that can help you on your way to better understand yourself. Just remember as my students always hear me say, “It’s a process.”